Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
