Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Randomize
