does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
