Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
