Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
