I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
