So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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