I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Randomize
