I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
