can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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