I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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