Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
