Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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