i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
