I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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