Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
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