you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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