Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
