she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
He still wants to giggity, regardless of his girlfriend. So...I guess I'm happy again.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Randomize
