you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
