defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
