no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
