Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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