I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
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