I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
