i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
she told me i tasted like america
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
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