Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
