i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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