i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
