I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
