how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
