that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Of course I have a pirate flag
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
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