in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
