my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
