if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
