you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
