All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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