I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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