it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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