this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Randomize
