my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
