pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
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