My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
don't judge my taste in strippers
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
