I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i think i have two assholes
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Randomize
