If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
Can Purell be used as lube?
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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