i wish my penis had a tongue
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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