so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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