checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
