You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
