I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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