He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
