Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I cut my penus on the lid.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
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