Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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