just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
