There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize