Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
