It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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