i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!
a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.
That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
