Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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