so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
