you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
