once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
